I started writing the following passage when I was going through a very bad phase in my life during last winters, I felt like life has come to a stand-still and that nothing good is going to happen, that life is a misery. I hope you understand my emotions and if you want to know how I dealt with that cruel time, let me know by commenting down below. (Also, since this article was in drafts for a long time I used it’s beginning in another piece of mine-Winters and hugs, it is a completely different one, so have a look at it too).
I am adding a song’s link, that I’m sure you haven’t heard of, play it while reading my words, and in case you are a coffee-person that’d do so much better. Click here to play the song in a new tab-Give our hearts some weight
“How do I even start writing? After all, it’s been so long and I don’t even know who’s gonna read this if I’m going to mail it or post it on my blog or just keep it in my drafts! It is cold outside, but more than that it is cold inside. Maybe winter is called the romantic season for a reason, maybe it is like a long Valentines period, to make you feel alone every time you see loved people, loved by spouse/friends/family, people who have someone to hold hands with when their hands start to freeze. I always thought it is a myth that only depressed people, only broken hearts, become someone we call artists, all others are professionals, but now I get it completely. Loneliness leads to a different feeling, of cutting the ties with the limited people that are left. I don’t know what is left inside me that is still pushing me to write, but I feel helpless. I cannot even throw tantrums or behave weird because no one cares, no one asks me why I behave rudely if I ever do, or why I’m not in any mood to speak, they judge my nature, they think I’m a mean and rude person.
Will I ever come across a person who hugs me for no reason, takes my tantrums, doesn’t ask me to behave, and just ask me what I feel, without judging me. When I look back today, all I see is broken memories, relationships that started off pretty well and then faded away, friends whom I called best friends just because we were school buddies, a family that made me behave the way they wanted me to.
As a kid I used to do things to please my parents, I could not bear my parents’ anger or sadness, so I did what I had to do, I never demanded, I never messed up the house, I never asked for anything, even if I was sad I just cried and then I was fine, because I thought if I let my frustration out on my parents they’ll tell me I am misbehaving, that I hurt them. They were probably teaching me manners but they taught me to hide my feelings, my tantrums, and that made me a lonely person from inside. Now, as an adult, I just cannot throw tantrums because I think I will hurt the other person and I shouldn’t, I don’t even cry, I don’t stay quiet, I just go back to normal, and it looks like I am okay. Everyone thinks I am an extrovert, I say it all but the truth is that I speak only when it is about someone or something, I don’t say anything when I’m truly hurt. Maybe I haven’t learned to say ‘I don’t like it’ or ‘I am not talking to you’ or ‘It is wrong’. I played the pacifist whenever we cousins fought, I never had a fight with anyone, if I was hurt I would run back to my room and cry, and I’d be normal by the next day. That became my habit, I started running from situations, from problems and I never fought back. I walked away from fights, from problems, even from friends. I didn’t have guts to say if I WAS HURT, so I walked away.
Now I have no one. I am alone. I feel like I’ve lost the zeal to live, the spark to do different things. My powerless nature of not saying NO has made me lose so many people, and so much of time.”
Time changes everything, I’m a happy person now, I’ll share my story with you all in case you feel like knowing.
Also, I hope you liked the song.